The Anvilicious Leaders
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: Through circumstances, the Irkens and the trolls, because of their near-brainwashing leaders, achieve a state of universal conquest. Through more circumstances, they are directed against each other. Irken/troll swap.
1. Chapter 1

Once, in this very galaxy, you could say, Irk was home to a peaceful race. One which would never reduce itself to an all-about-conquering empire, for its leaders, the Almighty Tallest Red and Purple, couldn't think of a plan to make Irk such. In fact, they couldn't think of a plan relating to anything but snacks. They weren't even the true leaders of Irk; the Control Brains really did all the job running the planet, and the Tallest were just figureheads.

This planet, however, did not know that this premise meant that the planet was doomed.

One day, meteors started landing, one by one, on the planet. For a while, the massive computers, which were what the Control Brains practically were, started deflecting them back into space, reassuring themselves that they would hit a planet of a massive empire, and not a lone purple ball that no one cared about but them. However, during the years, the meteors started growing in frequency, and everyone was now sure that Irk would not survive for long. Soon after, one of these sprawling empires would simply watch as the meteors hit, devise a plan to get rid of them, and make Irk into a parking structure planet or something.

However, twelve Irken kids knew there was still hope. There was a site of archaeological interest over at Irk, the Frog Temple, and its mysterious hieroglyphs told a story of a video game that could save any doomed planet's select individuals, make a new universe for them and elevate the players to the level of gods of said universe. These Irkens, because of the elite survival skills that most of the population of Irk was demanded to have, but very few actually did, decoded the story into an actual video game, started playing it and left Irk forever.

Back on Irk, Red and Purple watched as a meteor obliterated their snack storage facility, and on a very brief moment of sanity, they thought of hiding underground. The Control Brains served what they regarded as the most important figures of Irk, and dug a nice hole below the nearly impenetrable rock of Irk, hiding Red and Purple from Irk and from its population. However, what the idiots that only were leaders because of their height did not know was that the meteors, as they became more frequent, also became bigger, and destroyed most major cities, and, in time, the Control Brains' living places and the place above the underground hole of Red and Purple, killing them in process.

As Irk was practically lifeless, the twelve heroes kept playing. They made progress, earned astronomical amounts of boondollars, forced their enemies to give them their way and became more anvilicious than anyone who ever lived on Irk. However, the game they played eventually won against them by exploiting the Irkens' lightheartedness and making the forces of light and darkness go against each other, which, as the twelve progressed, led them to wanting to set peace, not war.

At the last moments of the Reckoning, which would destroy the star that the twelve heroes' planets orbited in the same way in which Irk was destroyed, help came from Echidna, the denizen of one of the planets where one of the heroes presided. She offered the Irkens a deal to reverse the history of Irk, swapping the twelve heroes and their twelve „ancestors", which seemingly had met each other and worked together, just as the original Irkens. As Echidna said, she did, and the entire history of Irken race, including Red, Purple and every single Tallest before them, was forcefully rewritten, a maneuver which would lead to a better SCank session and to the eternal prosperity of Irk over a single planet, and, in time, everyone else.

What Echidna couldn't plan, however, was the re-tying of stable time loops that were broken in this „Scratch". The new session of the twelve people would make an entirely different First Guardian, a figure that was long dead in the pre-Scratch Irk, and the leadership schemes of this First Guardian would lead to the session not happening at all, which would produce a still different First Guardian, and it would go on in a crazy paradox-like situation. It would go on for a while, a moment that even the Control Brains would think of forever, until, when finally the time loops strung, we would have an Irk completely different from the pre-Scratch Irk. One that would no longer care about SCank, and instead be all about conquest and eventual, if temporary, rule of Irk over all other planets and galaxies.

The new history of Irk was a story written by, as well as enforced by, one of the former Tallest, the Almighty Tallest Spork.

* * *

><p><em>Author's notes: The next chapter will be Doc Scratch and the Condesce introducing Alternian!Operation Impending Doom II. Stay tuned!<em>


	2. Chapter 2

The platform in one of the many convention halls in Conventia descended, and the many trolls of the planet saw Doc Scratch and the Condesce in person. It was a known fact that Doc Scratch and the Condesce rarely showed up in person, instead being too busy planning out the greatness of the Alternian Semi-Galactic Empire that would actually be further than it is now, not to mention be in a love-hate relationship, since they had different ideas on how this empire would turn out to be. Hence, as they showed up, applauses came from most of the audience, with everyone wanting to listen to every single word that they wanted to say.

Or just watch as the Condesce's double trident accidentally hit Doc Scratch in the back.

_Well, probably that was part of the show as well,_ most trolls in the room thought.

"Everything is tridents with you! I told you the decorations of cueballs would be more appreciated!" Doc Scratch rarely was in a such mood, as he didn't consider himself to have moods, but this time it was in public, so he had the right to be embarrassed.

The platform finally stopped, making the dysfunctional pair directly behind eleven fated trolls, and the Condesce started speaking.

"Welcome. mighty troll soldiers! You are the fin-est-"

"You mean _fie-nest,_" Doc Scratch corrected.

"Oh, yes, _fie-nest, _examples of military training the Alternian fleets have to offer! Good for you. Standing behind us, however, are the soldiers we've chosen for roles in one of the most crucial parts of Operation Impending Doom II!"

One of the many trolls shouted: "Was there even an Operation Impending Doom I?" A trident then came from the ceiling and stabbed him.

The tiles of the wall behind both Doc Scratch, the Condesce _and_ the chosen soldiers flipped to show the most recent universal map of the date, with plans for the "Operation Impending Doom II" marked as arrows.

"The Invaders, you probably never thought we'd entrust you with a fish-ion-"

"Let me narrate The Great Assigning, okay? We don't need a billion fish puns here."

"I am the Troll Empress. _I_ am Her Imperious Condescension. You are just an omniscient narwhale-tor, and possibly my _flushed_ relation-_ship_ interest."

"Invader Peixes! Come here!" Doc Scratch cut to the chase.

"When we first saw your blood test results, we thought you were a rust-blood, so we assigned you to Blorch, home of the slaughtering crab-"

"Rat."

"Oh, yeah, slaughtering crab people." The Condesce took out a handheld projector, showing everyone the image of Peixes being attacked by giant rats.

"But, as it turned out, you were of a higher blood color than the Condesce herself-"

"_No one_ is of a higher blood color than me. That's why I'm the empress."

"Okay, Peixes, you were of a blood color _on par_ with the Condesce herself, and instead you'll get to lead in destruction of planet Vort, home of the universe's most comfortable couch." The image switched to the Invader relaxing on a large couch.

A troll which looked like a younger version of the Condesce left the hall so she could get her own Standard-issue Information Retrieval unit.

"Invader Ampora!" Scratch's voice echoed throughout the hall, as yet another Alternian Invader rushed to get in, before the Assigning ended.

_After a convenient time skip..._

"And last, Invader Pyrope!" The troll girl with red blind person's glasses came for the leaders.

"Seriously, what's up with these mutant-colored glasses?" The Condesce felt like making fun of the troll.

Doc Scratch took off the glasses, only to reveal a blank red in the troll's eyes, which she immediately shut.

"And your _eyes_ are red too? How long until we figure out that you are a mutant redblood _as well?_"

"Condy, she's a cyan-"

"_Clam up! _We'll be assigning you to Blorch, home of the slaughtering crab-"

"_Rat!_"

"I don't care in the slightest. Here, take a look at this. Oh, wait, you're blind! You're missing out the fun." The Condesce chuckled and showed the last image of the slideshow, now with _Pyrope_ being attacked by giant rats.

Terezi sniffed and could note the smell of the image. Cyan started gathering in her eyes. She then exited with her fellows.

"Thus condescends The Great Assigning!"

"You really needed to scratch the word "concludes" for your own name?"

"Yes?"

"That's stupid. A Troll Empress shouldn't let her dignity diminish. Goodbye, thanks for coming!"

But then, the horns of the trolls started moving as yet another troll tried to make his way.

"That voice!"

"It can't be!"

The final troll finally showed up to Doc Scratch and the Condesce.

"_The Second Sufferer!_"

"One, it's _Karkat Vantas_, you shit-tasting "leaders", and two, you forgot to send out one invite."

"No, there were always eleven Invaders, so we didn't make a mistake. Thanks for coming! See you next time!"

"Aren't all mutant lowbloods ban-fished to Foodcourtia? Shouldn't you be... frying something?"

"Oh, I quit after I found out about the operation."

"You _quit_ being _banished?_" Both said, with the F said by the Condesce creating a dissonance.

"Perfect. I totally didn't predict your brilliant linguistic decision." Scratch didn't stop being annoyed by his companion.

"Also, isn't the Sufferer Alternia's felony?" The Condesce suddenly remembered, and Doc Scratch also shared the flashback. The Sufferer led a rebellion so huge that the entire planet of Alternia was in danger, _hence_, this planet-conquering masquerade which was really getting rid of the centralization of the troll-kind.

"But Invader's blood-"

"Did you mean _a mutant's _blood?" Doc Scratch and the Condesce again began laughing, making fun of Vantas and not wanting to listen to anything he said.

They then saw a sandwich that one of the Invaders left. Must have been really fat. Scratch picked up the sandwich and gave it to Karkat.

"Here's an award, for being so great. Now, you all are already seeing what is meant to be behind the scenes, so leave now, unless you're sleeping, in which case it's okay."

"But you _can't_ have an invasion without_ me!_" Karkat resisted.

"There's no use. Condy, immediately find the mutant blood a planet."

"Arr-kay," the Condesce responded and immediately looked through the paint made from blood of culled wrigglers, searching for a planet which would mean nothing as an addition.

"Even the word _okay_ is corrupted by your sea-related- _Sea-_riously!"

The Condesce finally found a planet, or rather, a circle marked with a question mark. There may be a planet there, or there may be not.

"_Invader_ Vantas, you will be sent to a planet so mysterious, no one has ever heard of it!"

"Like a secret fuckin' mission?"

"Yes. Except the "fuckin'" part." Doc Scratch and the Condesce led Karkat to another room which no one saw.

"All the Invaders have been given a Standard-issue Information Retrieval, or SIR for short, unit. But not you. We have something special for you."

Doc Scratch looked in his pockets, finding several pieces of garbage, while the Condesce looked in the trash can, finding a SIR unit's chassis. As Karkat didn't see, Scratch put the garbage into the SIR unit's head.

"Tadam!" The SIR unit was dropped unceremoniously. After a while, it turned on, its eyes glowing mutant red, immediately stood up to take a close look at Karkat in a way that was somewhat scary, and started speaking.

"Gir, reporting for duty!"

"_Gir? _What does the G stand for?"

Gir's eyes suddenly became cyan. "I don't know!"

After a few inanity acts, Karkat felt insulted. "Are you shitting on me?"

"No, of course we're not dropping garbage on you! It only _appears_ to be garbage!" Doc Scratch and the Condesce let another demeaning chuckle, and Karkat instead left in his Voot Cruiser with Gir as fast as he could.

"Just don't shit on me like my _leaders_ did and everything's going to be okay, okay?" Karkat tried to make a deal with Gir as he left Conventia for the mysterious planet.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now! Doom doom doom-doom doom..."

Karkat sighed. This was going to be a _long_ flight.

* * *

><p>Doc Scratch and the Condesce finally left in their own spaceship, which, unsurprisingly, had the empress's egoism splatted all over its name, Battleship <em>Condescension<em>, like Nickelodeon's logo.

They observed the super-luxic radar. The twelve dots were leaving for their planets... well, _eleven _dots were leaving for their planets. One was probably going to get lost. But not the dot was of importance.

Of importance was the armada of dots, flying a thousand light-years away.

"The Irkens _won't_ steal _our_ planets from_ us_." Scratch announced in a way that wasn't omniscient in any way, but he wanted to pretend it was.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Karkat and Gir. What did you expect, Zim and Soulbot Megido?<em>


	3. Chapter 3

_As a note to a review, you seem to be mistaken. Aradiabot and Gir keep their personalities to themselves, so Ara singing the Doom Song is a no-no. The gimmick is that the societies themselves are swapped, so Tallest Red and Purple and First Guardian Spork are in three different places where they rule, and it's Zim and Tak who are held at gunpoint to mate and then shipped off to intergalactic conquest instead of Karkat and Terezi, and it's an Irken robotic engineer that designed a robot that seems strangely familiar to Invader Megido and then made a million clones of it with a creative excuse that she travels in time, and it's what you recognize in Invader Zim as Invaders (Larb, Tenn, Skoodge, etc.) (and Zim and Tak ofc) who get to play a Sgrub session across the galaxy. Okay maybe not that last bit, as I have no intention of writing a Sgrub session into this, but you got the point._

* * *

><p>"Doom doom doom doom doom!" Gir further sang, and Karkat sighed. It was already three months when this awful defective robot started plaguing his mind, and he was surprised he didn't search for a way to shut it off just yet.<p>

"Hate. Let me tell how much I've come to hate you since my leaders shit you on me. There are approximately three hundred quadrilion lines of code on this broken ship's programming. If I replaced each of them with a billion words HATE, it still would not be- No! Wait! If I took the entire supply of Voot Cruisers and replaced every SYMBOL of their lines of code with a TRILLION words HATE, THAT would not equal one divided by THE NUMBER OF STARS IN OUR UNIVERSE of the hate I feel for you this micro-instant. Hate. Hate."

_Warning: A spaceship is within ten to the twentieth carbon atom diameters from here. Approaching._

"WHAT!" Karkat shouted.

Gir continued to sing his song as the ship turned itself towards a star that got brighter and brighter.

"It's our rivals! Gir! Blast the fuck out of it right now!"

"Yes, sir!" Gir switched to a rare moment of obedience as the ship prepared its rockets to fire at the approaching ship.

But then I had to take the Division of Doom route and have the rockets sent by Karkat and by the alien to hit each other, blowing up spectacularly and having the two ships' lines of sight erased until the highly advanced technology glued the two ships together.

But then, Karkat realized that in such situations Gir was completely useless.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now! AGAIN!"

The robot owned by the other guy also spoke up.

"Do we really have to kill the other guy? In the end it's just a statistic."

"WHAT! You dare fail the mighty ZIM!"

"I should have saved the grand hate line for this moment." Karkat said.

And as such, the combined version of the two ships continued drifting around the space.

* * *

><p>"Invader Vantas of the Alternians."<p>

"Shipped off but still strong ZIM! of the mighty IRKEN EMPIRE!"

"Wow, your civilization sucks." Karkat had to remark.

"You must be terminated!"

"That or you are simply its outcast like I am."

Zim tried to think of a witty line to use against the horned guy, but could think of nothing and lowered his head in a defeated manner. "You're right."

_Warning: A planet with sentient life is within ten to the twenty-fifth carbon atom diameters from here. Approaching._

"WHAT!" both shouted as Gir and the other robot which Karkat recognized as Invader Megido started singing in duet.

The approaching dot got brighter than any ship as the hideous combination of red and purple started speeding towards it.

* * *

><p><em>Your name is Roxy Lalonde and<em> Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller", stop that bullshit right now.

Anyhow.

The "sentient life" promised by the joint Irken-Alternian ship was initially not there. There was a rainforest, devoid of any animals and with an unhealthy dark green sky, and the ship's wreckage was pretty much the most that was in the landscape.

And then Zim and Karkat finally set to exploring.

* * *

><p><em>Author's idiotisms: Coming up with units of measurement that could be acknowledged in an entire galaxy is hard work.<em>


End file.
